The Destruction of Lavender Brown
by Mandy Brocklehurst
Summary: It all started when Lavender caught Hermione and Harry making out in an empty classroom. It doesn't look like Lavender is going to be having a very good day. *WARNING* This is offensive if you take the fic seriously. Keep in mind that this IS a Parody.


Disclaimer: Disclaimer: All characters, and places derived from the popular Harry Potter books are property of J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. In other words, I don't own anything! Sadly enough, not even Mary Sue, because she belongs to the thousands of authors out there who constantly write fics about her. Maybe it's safe to say that I own the magical, wireless keyboard.  
  
  
  
One day Lavender Brown happened to be wandering aimlessly through the corridors of Hogwarts. By chance (or perhaps it wasn't) she made the mistake of strolling into a classroom with a very odd couple all over each other.  
  
"Oh, lookie here!" squealed Lavender, "Wait until the rest of the school hears that Potter and Granger have been making out!"  
  
"No you don't!" screamed Hermione, "I've been working at keeping this a secret too long for you to go and ruin it!"  
  
"Tisk, tisk: what would Ron think of you now?" sneered Lavender.  
  
"Ugh!" screamed Hermione again and she jumped on Lavender, pulling out tufts of her carefully kept hair that she always wore in a violet ribbon. Harry in the meantime conjured up a bowl of popcorn and was munching on it happily in the background.  
  
"Go Hermione!" he encouraged as Hermione sat on Lavender and started to poke her in the eyes.  
  
"What is the meaning of this?" Professor McGonagall yelled as she entered the room. Malfoy was following her close behind.  
  
"Lavender and Hermione are bloodying up each other", Harry spoke up, "Care to watch and have some popcorn?"  
  
"Why not?" and McGonagall conjured up an armchair next to Harry.  
  
"Hell! I wouldn't want to miss this! I hope that filthy Mudblood dies!" declared Malfoy, sitting down and stealing the bowl of popcorn from Harry. At this point Lavender had a pair of scissors in her hands and was gradually minimizing the bushiness of Hermione's hair (A/N: you see, Lavender's much too weak to simply pull the hair out).  
  
Soon more students started to trickle into the room as well as teachers.  
  
"No Hermione! Not her hair!" Seamus had screamed shrilly once he entered the room.  
  
"I saw this coming, I swear it!" Professor Trelawney had announced, yet only to get the rest of the people in the room to roll their eyes in annoyance. Couches surrounded the fighting pair and there were bowls of snacks all around. Cheers and shouting erupted from different ends of the room when blows were thrown and blood shown (A/N: I'd like to think that they were all cheering for Hermione, but I realize that may not be entirely accurate).  
  
Now both Lavender and Hermione were close to bald, Lavender could no longer see out of either of her eyes, and Hermione had a bloody lip from Lavender's kicking. The room was crowded and by some illogical reason, none of the teachers seemed to try to end the fight.  
  
"MUHAHAHA!!!" laughed Voldemort as he appeared suddenly, "I have finally gotten through Dumbledore's defenses! And now Harry Potter, you must die!" Everyone ran around in circles screaming, while some (like Neville) hid in the corners, rocking back and forth. Voldemort tried to curse Harry through all of the confusion, but there were just too many people in the way to be sure he'd actually get Harry. The only thing that ended up happening to Harry was he was trampled by the mass amounts of people running around and knocked unconscious. Despite all of this, Lavender and Hermione continued to slowly kill each other, yet Hermione finally realized that Voldemort had indeed, appeared on Hogwarts grounds.  
  
"No that's impossible!" she yelled as she pulled a copy of a fairly large book from within her robes, "It says here in Hogwarts A History that you can't apparate on Hogwart grounds!"  
  
"Blimey, did I, or did I not just appear here?" roared Voldemort, "Die Mudblood!"  
  
"Yes! Thank you Dark Lord!" Malfoy said, dropping his bowl of popcorn (A/N: actually it WAS Harry's) and kissing his feet.  
  
*Author appears out of nowhere*  
  
"No Voldie! Hermione is not supposed to die! Lavender is! You're changing the entire story", the author corrected.  
  
"No, you have figured out my secret for appearing at Hogwarts! You too must die AND NEVER CALL ME VOLDIE!" commanded Voldemort as he pointed his wand at the author. Malfoy rolled out of the way, quickly taking the popcorn with him to the opposite side of the room.  
  
"Nonsense", she and whipped out her magical, wireless keyboard, making Voldemort turn into nothing more than a pile of ash. The rest of those in the room, stopped their frantic running for a moment to stare, but soon started it again yelling, "NO!!! NOT ANOTHER MARY SUE!!! SHE DEFEATED YOU- KNOW-WHO". Malfoy was the exception and started crying over the ashes saying, "Why, why? And he was just about to kill Granger!"  
  
"Silence!" the author yelled, "I can't be a Mary Sue! First of all, my name is Mandy, my hair is brown, it barely reaches my neck, my eyes are a also boring brown, I am not in love with Harry Potter (A/N: at least I don't think I am) and I am not related to Voldemort in any way!" ("No! You said his name!" shivered Ron). Everyone else in the room stopped running and gave a sigh of relief.  
  
"Well, if you're not a Mary Sue then who are you?" Hermione asked, touching her hand to her bloody lip.  
  
"I am Mandy Brocklehurst, the author of this pointless and pathetic excuse for a fan fiction story." Mandy then gave Hermione her bushy hair back and stopped her lips from bleeding.  
  
"Hey thanks", added Hermione, almost bouncing at the thought of having her hair back.  
  
"What about me?" piped up Lavender from the corner.  
  
"MUHAHAHA!!!" Mandy laughed, "LAVENDER MUST DIE!!!" She then towered over the quivering Lavender Brown and shouted, "BOO!!!"  
  
"AHHHH!!!!" yelled Lavender as she ran frantic circles in the room by herself as all the others watched, thinking at the same time that she had gone completely mental. Mandy then turned Lavender into a pile of ash with her magical, wireless keyboard and flung the ash around, dancing in it. She laughed and spun around in circles while all of the other people of the room slowly made their way towards the door.  
  
"NO! Not my baby! Not Lavender!" cried Seamus and ran out of the room.  
  
"Oh shucks! I'm all out of popcorn! Must be going now, nice to meet you Mandy", stammered Malfoy, and got up from the pile of Voldemort dust, backing out of the room. Everyone else left the room. A few (A/N: like Hermione, my new best friend) stayed a little while longer to shake the author's hand. She was then left twirling and singing "Lavender is dead!" in her own glee, yet stopped to realize that she was all alone.  
  
"Damn, my glory is over!" cursed the author and disappeared.  
  
"And now my army of Mary Sues will rule the world!" exclaimed a shockingly beautiful girl with lavender eyes and blonde hair that was perfectly straight and ended right past her shoulders. She pointed to her vast followers behind her, all with some exotic name on the tag of their shirts, a bizarre and unnatural eye color, and blonde hair.  
  
*Author appears again*  
  
"ALL MARY SUES MUST DIE!" she shouted and turned the army of Mary Sues into a piles of ash with her magical, wireless keyboard. "Now that's better", and the author disappeared yet again once she was fully satisfied with her destruction.  
  
All that remained in the room were the piles of ash that covered everything, Harry Potter lying unconscious in the corner, and the author's footprints. Harry Potter then chose to wake up and crawl from his corner, clutching his scar.  
  
"I'm ready to fight you Voldemort!" he shouted bravely but then sneezed time and time again and fainted.  
  
  
  
A/N: I think it is now safe to say, that I have gone insane. Scratch that, it is now safe to say that I have even gone past the limits of insanity. This is the product 11:00 at night and procrastination because I don't want to edit my other story. So I hoped you enjoyed it (or didn't). Flames are welcome because I do realize that this story is entirely plotless, pointless, and pathetic (as I pointed out earlier). I think I just wanted an excuse to 1) kill Lavender and 2) write myself into a fic. 


End file.
